Martin Buber, a 20th-century philosopher, introduced a timeless idea in his book I and Thou. He argued that how we relate to others profoundly shapes our lives. Buber distinguished between two modes of interaction: I-It (transactional, objectifying) and I-Thou (transformational, authentic).
In today’s fast-paced, outcome-driven world, many professional and personal interactions default to the I-It approach—functional, efficient, and impersonal. Yet, the most impactful leaders, coaches, and team members operate from the I-Thou mindset, fostering relationships that are genuine, meaningful, and deeply connected.
Let’s explore how Buber’s philosophy can transform your relationships and help you strengthen connections in leadership and life.
1. Understanding Buber’s ‘I-It’ and ‘I-Thou’
Buber’s I-It and I-Thou framework describes two fundamental ways we engage with others:
• I-It: Treating people as objects or means to an end, such as viewing an employee solely as a resource or a client purely as a revenue stream.
• I-Thou: Recognizing the full humanity of the other person, valuing them as unique individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and potential.
An example of a manager preparing for a performance review will help us understand the difference.
• An I-It approach focuses solely on productivity metrics and efficiency, often leaving the employee feeling unseen or undervalued.
• An I-Thou approach creates space for dialogue, understanding personal challenges, aspirations, and providing support for both professional and personal growth.
The difference isn’t just philosophical—it directly impacts trust, engagement, and outcomes.
2. The ‘I-Thou’ Approach in Leadership
Leaders who embody the I-Thou mindset inspire loyalty, creativity, and collaboration. Here’s how they do it:
• Practicing Presence: Fully engaging in conversations without distractions.
• Active Listening: Asking open-ended questions and genuinely caring about responses.
• Valuing the Whole Person: Recognizing team members’ individuality beyond their roles.
Peter, a team leader noticed declining morale in his team. Instead of addressing this through emails or quick meetings (I-It), he initiated one-on-one check-ins with his team members (I-Thou). In these meetings, he set aside agendas and asked questions like, “What’s been challenging for you recently?” and “How can I better support you?” This shift not only improved morale but also increased team productivity as individuals felt seen and valued.
3. Challenges in Moving from ‘I-It’ to ‘I-Thou’
In today’s rapid pace of life, we often face challenges in adopting the I-Thou mindset:
• Time Pressures: The demand for efficiency can push us toward transactional interactions.
• Biases: Prejudgments about others can limit our ability to fully connect.
• Hierarchical Mindsets: Power dynamics can make authentic connection feel risky or even unnecessary.
Some practices we can adopt to help them move toward ‘I-Thou” relating include:
• Mindfulness: Take a moment before interactions to center yourself and focus on the other person.
• Empathy Practice: Put yourself in their shoes—what might they be feeling or needing?
• Reflective Questions: Ask yourself, “Am I approaching this person as an equal human being, or am I only focusing on what they can do for me?”
4. The Neuroscience of Connection
Modern neuroscience discoveries are helping us understand the brain’s role in social connections. One such discovery is neuroplasticity, or the brain’s ability to change and adapt throughout our lives. This has exciting implications about the impact of Buber’s I-Thou philosophy.
By engaging in deliberate practice and learning new skills of more positive relating, we can strengthen the neural circuits associated with empathy, communication, and emotional regulation which in turn can lead to lasting improvements in our interpersonal relationships. This helps build trust and foster collaboration. When we engage in I-Thou interactions, we strengthen trust, and when we strengthen trust, our brains release oxytocin, which strengthens social connections and reduces stress.
A team leader who consistently demonstrates trust and openness will create a psychologically safe environment. Team members, in turn, feel more confident to take risks, share ideas, and collaborate effectively—resulting a stronger sense of belonging and better outcomes.
5. Building Generative Relationships as a Leader and in Life
Here are practical strategies to integrate the I-Thou approach into your professional and personal life:
1. Ask Open, Curious Questions: Replace “Why didn’t you meet the deadline?” with “What challenges did you face while working on this project?”
2. Acknowledge and Validate: Reflect what you hear back to the other person to show you’re fully present and understanding.
3. Foster Mutual Growth: Treat every interaction as an opportunity for learning—on both sides.
Peter applied the I-Thou approach in his relationship with Robbie, his son and witnessed their relationship transform. Instead of focusing only on grades (I-It), he began engaging in regular, non-judgmental conversations about Robbie’s passions, fears, and dreams (I-Thou). The result? A stronger bond and deeper mutual understanding.
An Invitation to Reflect and Transform
Buber believed that every interaction is an opportunity to choose how we connect. Reflect on these questions:
• Where in your relationships are you operating from an I-It mindset?
• How can you bring more presence and authenticity to your daily interactions?
• What small shift could you make today to move closer to I-Thou?
As a leader, parent, or simply as a human being, strengthening relationships through I-Thou interactions isn’t just a strategy for success—it’s a way of being that fosters growth, trust, and transformation. By embracing this mindset, we can create a ripple effect of connection and generativity that extends far beyond ourselves.
